Demona
Demona is one of the America's greatest threats. A satanic creature known as a gargoyle. A sorceress defying God's word... read the Bible! Thanks to a pact with a demon, she can disguise herself as a human being, and she chose a French identity. She is also a known terrorist, who has repeatedly tried to commit genocide on the American race. She may or may not have ties to bears, but my gut says she does. Past Crimes Demona is responsible for numerous betrayals and atrocities spanning the past ten centuries across Europe, but we don't care about that. Let's talk about what she has done since she came to America to kill us all. Demona is responsible for awakening even more of her nightmarish kind and unleashing them upon the fair city of Manhattan. She has dabbled in magic on American soil, bringing Satan's power here. Why, she even turned everyone in Manhattan to stone, and massacred a whole bunch of honest, hard working Americans. No liberals were killed though, as they don't watch television, because they are too busy hanging out in coffee shops hating America. . Grrrrrr! At least that used to be the case, as Stephen now likes John McCain, and once again has nothing in common was this bat-winged harpy.]] Thankfully, Demona has been opposed at every turn by David Xanatos. Xanatos is one of our nation's unsung heroes. Corporate tycoon, and he doesn't vote Democrat. But, he'll need a haircut before he gets a Tip of the Hat Knowing she'd need to fight fire with fire, Demona founded a corporation in our enemy nation, France and brought it here. She is a crafty one. I have it on good authority that Demona is using her corporation to supply terrorists with weapons of mass destruction. On the bright side, however, Demona has made several attempts to kill Elisa Maza, a mole for the liberals in the NYPD. Even if Demona is trying to kill Elisa for all the wrong reasons, Elisa's death would be of great benefit to the people of New York City, whatever small mercies they're entitled to (here's a hint: none). More recently, Demona has endorsed Hillary Clinton for the presidency. She is using Satanic Black Magic to make sure dark clouds follow Barack Obama all the way to the Democratic Convention. The 2008 Presidential Election But, as all liberals do, Demona flip-flopped. When John McCain chose that Christian angel of mercy, Sarah Palin to assume office six months into his presidency, Demona quickly endorsed Barack Obama. We don't know how deep this hatred goes, but word has it, after suffering through a night of food poisoning after eating moose chili that the Quarrymen delivered on Palin's behalf, a deep seething hatred arose. Demona's hatred for Elisa Maza for stealing Goliath away from her has nothing on this. So, she invoked Satan and Allah and all other deities of blasphemy and used her Black Magic to STEAL THE ELECTION for that Elitist Secret Muslim Nerd. Alright, Demona. You win this round. But Palin will be back, with help from Superman and Jesus Christ! The Obama Presidency/Socialist Dictatorship Demona is currently pulling double duty as Secretary of Death Panels (under her human alias, Dominique Destine) and Secretary of Black Magic & Human Sacrifice in the Obama Administration (under her true name, Demona). She has recently been rocked by scandal when she engaged in a naked confrontation with Michele Bachmann in the Congressional showers. She pointed her talon between Michele's breasts while screaming at her over Tea Parties and voting against Demona's plans to euthanize the elderly and sick children. One of them was probably doped up on Tylenol PM at the time this incident took place. Michele Bachmann was later quoted as saying: "Do you know how hot it is to have a political argument with a naked woman?" Rumor has it, Demona is planning to run for President in 2016 should the Bear Uprising of 2012 be foiled by Stephen. Wait, does she have an American birth certificate? No? Well, it's not like you can become president without one and... OH MY GOD, WE'RE DOOMED! DOOMED!!!! The Founding of a Birth Certificate & The Death of a Terrorist When Donald Trump's balls would no longer allow him to stand idly by while this administration continued to wipe it's ass with the Constitution, Demona used her sorcery to forge a long form birth certificate. It was a clever forgery, but she underestimated a man named Sheriff Joe Arpaio. In order to further take the heat off of her boss, Demona advised Obama to finally give up his most important overseas ally... Osama bin Laden, and give him up they did. Bin Laden was woken in the middle of the night, not by Seal Team 6 but by Demona herself with a message from Obama: "You have outlived your usefulness," before a SEAL kicked down the door and shot Osama in the eye! The 2012 Conventions Shortly before the 2012 Republican National Convention, Demona cast a spell to send Hurricane Issac in Tampa's direction, obviously hoping to drown patriots, old Jews, and young Christians. Obama's henchmen then discovered that patriot, Clint Eastwood was set to embarrass Obama with a speech that would destroy his chances at re-election, so he sent his Secretary of Black Magic & Human Sacrifice to infiltrate the RNC where she cast a spell on an empty chair causing it to defeat Clint Eastwood in a debate, embarass Mitt Romney and then, the following night, defeat Stephen Colbert in a debate. As has been said before, Demona is a crafty one. Demona sat out the DNC, preferring to spend the week in Charlotte, North Carolina, locked in a hotel room participating in orgies with the Black Eyed Peas, Sandra Fluke and Scarlett Johansson. We have it on good authority that ScarJo asked for Demona's blessing to play her in the movie in exchange for wearing the Black Widow costume for one of the orgies. A heart broken Marion Cotillard was inconsolable. Demona Trivia * While her human persona is French, she donates money to the Democrats. * Is close friends with Hillary Clinton * Has been declared a coward because she refuses to come on The Colbert Report * Only wants people to think she's a fictional cartoon character. * Has participated in the creation of clones. She has also dated one. * Is rumored to be dating the Colbear. * Demona has gone on record to say that she hates the troops. * Was married to John Kerry. * She reads books and does not believe in truthiness. * Has said "Paris belongs to me." * Owns land in Canada and allows bears safe haven there. * Rumors of incestuous and lesbian relationships. * Called Gandalf the White a "pussy". * Her arch nemesis was Condoleeza Rice. Now it's Sarah Palin the Christian Angel of Mercy. * She may or may not be Obama Girl, Stephen's gut is still looking into it. * Demona is against the idea of a border fence, as it makes it that much harder to shoot the brown people coming into this country, as well as the black people running away from this country. * On that note, Demona has no black friends. She sees color, mostly red. * She is a Democratic Super Delegate. * Upon checking his gut, Demona's daughter Angela is, in fact, Obama Girl. * Demona likes Buffalo Wings. * Upon learning about the BP oil leak that could pollute the planet and wipe out America, Demona lamented that she didn't think of this first. * Demona wrote a book that is totally not a rip-off of Hitler and Sarah Palin's books. No word yet on if Angela got knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. * Was scheduled to be a guest on the Daily Show to promote her book, but Jon Stewart canceled her interview and replaced her with Mary Roach and her book about astronauts shitting in outer space. u